That, and the walls of invulnerability.

There are things that I’ve been specific about when it comes to my vulnerability. I’ve never liked being able to tear my walls down and be exposed since people expect so much more of me. Believe this, that when the time comes to build new walls, someone out there will find a way to unintentionally demolish them. So I guess, with the exception of clowns, my deepest fear is that I’m prone to being vulnerable and I’m afraid that someone will take advantage of it.

This is a queer thing to write about because of its irony. I’m writing about being a skinless man, doused in honey, while being hog-tied to a pole on top of an ant hill. Figuratively, of course. This is my first post in a long, long while and I find it really funny that I haven’t done this weeks ago.

I’ve come to a situation in my life where I got vulnerable. For the past few years, I thought I was a titan, or even a Greek God that didn’t care about what love is. Exaggeration aside, I was happy that I was alone, a rarity these days if you ask me. I know what I wanted, and got it when I claimed it. But there will always be a part of me that’s going to want more. And this, my friends, is the story of how the walls of my godlike invulnerability came crashing down.

For two to three years, I’ve tried my best to just love what being single is all about. I’ve tried my best to show to everyone that a guy like me who has had relationships one after another in the past, can be alone for a long time and actually thrive in it. I’ve tried to give out the best kind of advice appropriate to the situation a friend is in. But why is it, when I thought that I might actually get out of it in one piece, a girl (or two) will just tear me down like a rejection letter from an Ivy league school?

I’m not actually hating on them, but you can say I’m bitter to a fault. I’d like to think that I’ve matured well enough to know what I should or should not do. I can say that despite my witty jokes, sound advice, and bad-mouth expressions, I’m still an emotional kid who didn’t know the right timing for big decisions. I’m going to skip all the nonsensical emotional bullshit that I’ve said in the past because it’s pathetic. It’s not me, I think…

I just want to be wanted by someone who would appreciate everything I’ve done and will do for them in the future. I just want to feel that kind of love that keeps you up all night not because it’s paired with insomnia, but because she actually liked staying up late with me.

But no, that’s not the kind of love I’ll get right now, and that’s not the kind of life I want to live right now. I’m probably in denial, but if happiness means that I have to put the same walls I had a few months ago, that I will do. Because I’m done with all the bullshit for now. It stinks. Now I’m cleaning house.



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About mrjuantamad

Have you been reading my shit? Well, no need to fill this up then.

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on music and everyday kitten-hood

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