There are things that I’ve been specific about when it comes to my vulnerability. I’ve never liked being able to tear my walls down and be exposed since people expect so much more of me. Believe this, that when the time comes to build new walls, someone out there will find a way to unintentionally demolish them. So I guess, with the exception of clowns, my deepest fear is that I’m prone to being vulnerable and I’m afraid that someone will take advantage of it.
This is a queer thing to write about because of its irony. I’m writing about being a skinless man, doused in honey, while being hog-tied to a pole on top of an ant hill. Figuratively, of course. This is my first post in a long, long while and I find it really funny that I haven’t done this weeks ago.
I’ve come to a situation in my life where I got vulnerable. For the past few years, I thought I was a titan, or even a Greek God that didn’t care about what love is. Exaggeration aside, I was happy that I was alone, a rarity these days if you ask me. I know what I wanted, and got it when I claimed it. But there will always be a part of me that’s going to want more. And this, my friends, is the story of how the walls of my godlike invulnerability came crashing down.
For two to three years, I’ve tried my best to just love what being single is all about. I’ve tried my best to show to everyone that a guy like me who has had relationships one after another in the past, can be alone for a long time and actually thrive in it. I’ve tried to give out the best kind of advice appropriate to the situation a friend is in. But why is it, when I thought that I might actually get out of it in one piece, a girl (or two) will just tear me down like a rejection letter from an Ivy league school?
I’m not actually hating on them, but you can say I’m bitter to a fault. I’d like to think that I’ve matured well enough to know what I should or should not do. I can say that despite my witty jokes, sound advice, and bad-mouth expressions, I’m still an emotional kid who didn’t know the right timing for big decisions. I’m going to skip all the nonsensical emotional bullshit that I’ve said in the past because it’s pathetic. It’s not me, I think…
I just want to be wanted by someone who would appreciate everything I’ve done and will do for them in the future. I just want to feel that kind of love that keeps you up all night not because it’s paired with insomnia, but because she actually liked staying up late with me.
But no, that’s not the kind of love I’ll get right now, and that’s not the kind of life I want to live right now. I’m probably in denial, but if happiness means that I have to put the same walls I had a few months ago, that I will do. Because I’m done with all the bullshit for now. It stinks. Now I’m cleaning house.
Back then, I wasn’t the kind of kid who stays in one place. I got used to running around, meeting new friends, playing in the dirt for hours ’til sunset. But yeah, I had a lot of energy back then. I was in the boy’s volleyball team back in 4th grade, soccer team in 5th grade, and the track team in 6th grade. I won medals and all that shit, but that didn’t mean much to me back then because we never really had a pure athlete in the family. Though I did plan to be the first one, but obviously, I failed miserably.
Sure, excuses are for pussies. I had my reasons, but I never really thought of them as valid enough to give up on it. First, I’m injury-prone as a kid. I had 21 stitches right across my forehead, broken my left arm, and busted my knee, all before I graduated primary school.
Second, I felt that I didn’t have enough support from my family, my mom for the most part. I mean, I did, at one point, felt that they were supporting me. But it was just never consistent enough for me to pursue what I wanted that time. There’s this qualifying tournament for nationals when I was in the track team, and my mom did not let me compete just ‘coz I came home late that time. Some of you might say that my mom was right to not let me compete that time. Discipline and all. But you guys should know, I came home late ‘coz I was coming home from a practice that ran late. Motivational speeches from the coach & some of the seniors, I’m pretty sure you know how that goes. I did explain, but you know some parents tend to not believe the things their kids say at that point.
Lastly, transferring to a school that does not have a track team or a soccer team did not help at all. I didn’t have the chance to enroll in summer clinics to expand my network. I was supposed to enroll to a school that has those two sports that I was into that time, but then I didn’t know what happened to that. I seriously did not have a clue about what transpired during my pre-high school summer.
Sure, maybe I should’ve switched sports that time. Maybe that might’ve been a better choice for me, considering that I also love playing basketball. But really, all that motivation that I had before got lost when the summer of ’03 passed. I am trying to get back on track now that it’s almost 2013.
Again, ’nuff about that. I’ve had this streak of talking about myself lately, so let’s just get on with it. Remember that girl I was talking about for the past three posts? I’ve known this for the longest time now, and I’ve already learned to accept it for what it really is. I have no chance on being the boyfriend of this girl. Why? I mean, come on, she friggin’ dates rockstars. What does an average guy have on that? I barely know how to play instruments. I don’t have a rockstar lifestyle. I don’t have a car (come on, an average chap can compete if he has a presentable car, and even I don’t have that shit). I don’t have a fat bank account. All the shit that I have are mostly abstract at this point. I’m street-smart enough to impress some people, I can write poetry & songs (which is sometimes pathetic), and I can sometimes talk my way through certain situations. That’s about it.
Plus, if you do follow my Twitter account, you’ll see that I tweeted about her being in love with someone else. And tell you what, if you plan on following how this shit goes for me, wait until I post my next one.
I should say that this time in my life, I should be on halt with the kind of things that can possibly ruin myself. I just got home from a very challenging trek in Paete, Laguna through its famous mountain path to the place they call Tatlong Krus (Three Crosses). I was with five other friends, and I was actually ecstatic that they were the ones I was with that time. Roy and I are two very unfit people, but we pushed ourselves to our personal limits even though we keep on complaining that we sometimes could not catch up to the pace of our two US Air Force friends who were on the head end of the group. This was definitely something to remember. I mean, come on. I was complaining about my stamina, that sometimes I couldn’t catch my breath, that my left knee was fucking the experience up, or that I’m just too fat for this kind of trek. And come on, we did this in the dark. If we didn’t have any flashlights, the whole trail would be pitch black. It didn’t help the Reia, the sole female in the group, was paranoid about the fact that she heard a story about someone getting stabbed and killed on the way up. Well, I can’t blame her though. We did see a drunk dude carrying a big-ass machete on the way up. But I guess he was too drunk to even keep his eyes open. At the end of the trek, I was half-expecting that someone will trip or something, ‘coz that’s how it is with these kinds of adventures. Accidents happen last. And yes, I stepped on a loose rock at the entrance of the town and twisted my right ankle. Now it hurts like a bitch now that we’re back in Manila.
‘Nuff about that, though. I’m pretty sure that if you follow the shit I write, you’d want to know what happened between me and that girl I like. Well, none of the shit I want to happen happened. Why? I think too much to even make a fuckin’ move. I mean, I did try. We were in the middle of a road-trip that time, and she was sleeping, bobbing her head sideways, couldn’t find a comfortable position. I asked her three times if she wanted to lean her head against mine. The third time I choked, ‘coz she asked what my question was, and I just said “you okay?”. Really, I guess I was just thinking too much. Not that I’m underselling myself, but she’s in love with another guy. It’s obvious, and I know it. I ended up feeling these things despite that fact. I suck at this.
But hey, at least starting right now, all the shit I’ve been through this 2012 is about to be over. I will consistently try to work the shit out of my system as soon as my ankle heals up.
P.S. I’ll probably edit this post as soon as the photos gets uploaded. Photo proof and all.
It’s 2012, and if you’re above the legal age of drinking in the US, doesn’t it make sense that you should think about that person you know you never had, and possibly, not be able to have in the near future? I’m saying this because you know, the Mayans said that the world will end this year. But ’nuff with all the bullshit these Mayans are saying, let’s get into discussion about the person you never had.
Think about it, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the person you never had was the person you’d want to spend the rest of your life with. It could be a classmate that you thought was just too perfect that time. Or it could be a platonic friend who’s always there for you when you think you’re about take a fall. Or it could be that bartender you always talk to when you’re six drinks in. Say for example, 10 years later, you get to meet this person again after not seeing them for the longest time. Would you still feel the same way that you felt back then? Or are you just going to ruin everything with succumbing to this awkward situation?
See, there’s a big difference between “the one that got away” with “the best you never had”. I’m saying this because it’s two entirely different things.
The one that got away is a person that you had, but never got a chance to spend the rest of your life with even though he or she was supposed to be the one, and still is (or at least the thought of him/her) after all this time. It didn’t necessarily have to end well, just the fact that after all that you two have been through, he/she can still be that one person you end up being with. The best you never had is a person who you never got the chance of having but is still the one in your mind. Both have similarities but should never be handled the same way. I’m not writing this because I want to help you get over that person. I’m writing this to help you figure out what you have, or had, in your life. And I am telling you to not screw it up by screwing your definitions of things.
So an important question comes into play and I would love it if you guys could answer this.
If the time comes that you can have either one of these two people, which one would you choose? The one that got away? Or the best you never had?
You can comment below this post, or you can just tweet me your answer as to which one you’d choose and why. And by God, forgive me, since this is my first time to interact with the readers of my blog. It gets scary, y’know.
My hands would be trembling just ‘coz I’m thinking about her, but then again, I can’t stop convincing myself that the feeling I’m feeling for her is a bad idea. Sure, a guy can wait. I’m a testament to that. I’m a very patient guy.
Waiting is something that is often overlooked by the girls we like. The amount of effort needed for that is exponentially larger than having to think about wooing them. Waiting is a natural thing. Thing is, you can only wait for one person too long, you’d start to ignore the time passing by. Quite frankly, you just have to avoid putting her up in that pedestal. You have to avoid decisions like, your world should revolve around her. No, my friend. It’s not like that.
I’m already content with how my life is right now, even though it’s not much if you ask me. I do the things that I love while toning down the stress to a bare minimum. Why would I ruin it with a thing called “relationship”? Well, I’m not. Do you honestly think that I’m doing anything to have a relationship right now? I’m actually doing the opposite if you’re really looking at me.
So sure, sooner or later, I’ll have to pursue her. Why not now, you ask? I don’t know. There’s a lot of things to consider. This isn’t like a high-paying job that I could just take then quit if I don’t feel like working anymore.
Honestly though, if a miracle would happen and she’d like me back, I’d take it. It’s a done deal. But then again, miracles don’t happen. Not that often, to say the least. It’s the main point of waiting. We wait for that girl to love or like you back, but it wouldn’t happen. We guys are obviously afraid of failure, rejection, or even depression. It doesn’t even matter if you could mask what you feel. Taking action is what we need, but we can’t because we know for a fact that there are cons to whatever we want. Wake up though, my friend, every bit of life has its own pros and cons.
I’m in between liking her too much to loving her just right. God knows I wouldn’t want to move a muscle if it means failure on my end. Failure would mean an end to a friendship treasured for years.